Chapter 2

Ethan and I were college classmates.

He wasn't the most handsome guy, but he was clean-cut, quiet, and looked really cool when he focused during basketball games.

Every girl in the Literature department knew Madison was chasing Ethan.

He'd say, "You shouldn't wait. It's too late, it's not safe."

I'd say, "It's fine, I don't have anything else to do anyway."

In the winter of our senior year, he finally agreed to date me.

That day I cried in my rental apartment for an hour.

Happy tears.

Later I gradually realized he didn't say yes because he was touched.

He said yes because "there wasn't anyone more suitable anyway."

His mother said it once.

I heard it with my own ears.

"Ethan's been like this since he was little---never takes initiative. You chased him so persistently back then, so he just said yes."

She said it casually, like it was the most ordinary thing.

I stood in the kitchen doorway holding a plate of freshly cut fruit, my fingers gripping the edge of the plate.

The first year of marriage was okay.

Though he didn't talk much, at least on weekends he'd take walks with me.

When I said I wanted to see a movie, he'd complain it was a hassle but still go.

The turning point came after Daisy was born.

During postpartum recovery, I took care of the baby alone.

He was always working overtime, on business trips, at dinners---there was always a reason not to be home.

I'd be up all night breastfeeding until I broke down, and when I called him, he'd say, "Daisy has you, doesn't she?"

I asked if he could come home earlier.

He said, "Can you stop being like this? I'm tired too, you know."

"Like this"---what did he mean by that?

He walked out of the bedroom and glanced at me.

"What now?"

I said, "Can you just hold me?"

He sighed, turned around, and went back to the bedroom.

The door clicked shut.

That was the first time I felt that what separated us wasn't just a door.

It was thousands of miles.

But back then, I didn't stop.

I kept chasing, kept messaging, kept waiting.

I thought if I just tried a little harder, he'd turn around and look at me.

Ten years.

I chased for a full ten years.

Chased until I didn't even recognize myself anymore.

In college, I ranked first in my major.

My graduation project won honors, and my advisor recommended me to a design firm.

I didn't go.

Because Ethan had signed with a company in this city.

I thought being together was most important.

Later when Daisy was born, I quit my job to be a stay-at-home mom.

Ethan said, "It's better if you stay home anyway. Saves us from hiring a nanny."

That design firm later grew big and won several industry awards.

Occasionally I'd see their work on social media and stop to look for a long time.

Then I'd lock my screen and go back to washing baby bottles.