Chapter 1

INTRODUCTION:

I was diagnosed with stomach cancer, so I went online to hire an undertaker in the hopes that he would collect my body.

That way, I could die and be buried.

I would like to finally be at peace, even if it meant that I could only achieve it after death.

I packed up my bags and left home in search of a place to die, only to receive a message from my undertaker.

[Sorry, something came up. I can’t come now.]

…Excuse me? I’m already half-dead, and you’re blowing me off?

CONTENT

CHAPTER-NAME: Chapter 1

When I cut my wrists, I sent the undertaker I hired my exact location.

[It’s 304, Unit 1, Garden Road. Don’t get it wrong now.

[Be sure to come two hours later.]

Half a month ago, I learned that I had cancer, so I went online to hire an undertaker and asked him to provide the full service. I also asked him to come whenever I asked him to.

The older generation always said that you had to be properly buried, or you would not be able to rest in peace, and I believed it.

So, I worked hard to gather money in order to secure myself a proper burial, but to my surprise, after I sent the message, I received a call from my undertaker.

The deep voice of a man came through the phone. “Sorry, something came up in the afternoon, so I won’t be able to go. I can give you your money back. Does that sound good?”

When I heard this, my phone nearly slipped out of my grasp.

I bit my lip and said, “You promised that you’d come when I asked you to!”

If I had not seen all the good reviews the people left for him online, I would not have believed in him!

Still, he was telling me that he could not come?

How was I supposed to hire someone else to give me a proper burial within such a short period of time?!

Perhaps it was because I was quite choked up when I was speaking, but the undertaker hesitated for a moment. “Why don’t we settle this with a form of compensation you can accept? How much money do you want?”

This was not a question about money.

I was already half-dead, and he blew me off!

My hands were trembling, and the blood on my wrists had already soaked through the hem of my dress. What my dress could not absorb splattered on the floor.

I could no longer care about how dizzy I was and could only force myself to speak. “But I’m going to die today. Why don’t I pay you a little more? Please come here. It won’t take you much time.”

Since he had already said this, I could not be greedy anymore. I would just ask him to collect my body.

“I only have one simple request. After I die, please send me to the crematorium, okay? I’ve just cut my wrists, so I won’t have time to hire another undertaker.”

I cast aside my pride and begged the undertaker to fulfill my request.

My heart was racing. I was really worried that he would say no.

After a moment of silence, the undertaker seemed to have finally caught the crux of the situation. He instinctively asked, “You’re the one dying?”

I was stunned and answered him honestly. “Who else?”

CHAPTER-NAME: Chapter 2

Neither of us said anything else in the quiet room.

When the phone beeps came through, I finally realized that the undertaker had hung up on me.

I smiled self-deprecatingly.

God must be pulling a really nasty joke on me.

He would not even let me die a peaceful death.

Since my plan to take my own life had been delayed, I used some gauze to wrap up my wounds so that I would not die too quickly.

Then, I opened WhatsApp in the hopes that I could get someone to collect my body.

But even when I scrolled through my contacts, I found that I had fewer than a hundred contacts, and half of them were just acquaintances I made so that we could bulk buy stuff at a lower price.

I went to Instagram and saw Lydia Marsh, my sister.

Then, I clicked on her Instagram profile.

I saw the pictures she uploaded there.

She got those when our family celebrated her birthday with her.

Everyone was smiling happily.

I did not dare like the post, because that would make me look like a neglected child who was peeking at love and happiness that did not belong to me.

Honestly, I chose to die today because it was my birthday today as well.

I was born only a few hours apart from Lydia.

Since we were children, my family only ever seemed to remember her birthday, but never mine.

But that was no longer important.

I was finally fulfilling their wish.

They just needed to collect my body.

I would never show my face in front of them anymore.

I went back to WhatsApp and tapped on our family group chat.

I tentatively keyed in a few words.

Maria: Um… If anyone sees this message, please come to 304, Unit 1, Garden Road to help pick up my body.

I stared at the screen as I thought, “Perhaps they would think I’m pitiful and would help pick up my body.”

But after waiting for a long time, all I got was my parents exiting the group chat.

I was then forced to become the admin of the group.

I refused to give up and asked one more time.

Maria: I’m begging you, please. If anyone sees this message, please answer.

Perhaps they got fed up with me, but someone finally replied. It was my younger brother, Jake Marsh.

Jake: Could you stop?

Lydia chimed in as well.

Lydia: Maria, I’m sorry. I know that it’s your birthday today too. Please calm down. I’ll ask Dad, Mom, and our brothers to look for you.

Blake Marsh, my second brother, replied.

Blake: Ignore her. If she wants to die, so be it.

Those words made my blood run cold. My last hope was dashed.

I wiped away my tears and exited the group chat.

Just when I wanted to turn my phone off, I received a call from Aaron Marsh, my eldest brother.

I answered it in a daze and was immediately greeted with Aaron’s enraged voice.

“Could you stop? Hurry up and delete the messages in the group chat. Don’t you know it’s Lydia’s birthday today? Why are you saying you want to take your own life at this point in time? Whose day are you trying to ruin now?!”

He poured out a torrent of verbal abuse at me, and my heart hurt so much that I could not breathe.

But I forced myself to be calm and said, “Okay, I’ll do it now.”

I went to the group chat and started deleting all of the messages I sent.

Halfway through, I received a notification.

Blake, Aaron, and Jake had left the group chat.

Lydia was the only one left.

As if she was boasting, she took pictures of her birthday presents.

Lydia: Do you want them, Maria? Since I already have so many presents, why don’t I give them to you? You won’t scoff at them, right? All that I have is yours, anyway. We’re a family, after all.

As I looked through the photos, I knew that she was doing this on purpose.

In the past, I would definitely argue about it with her.

Then, she would tell on me to our mother.

But I no longer cared.

I deleted the group chat and slumped down on the floor.

Since I had lost too much blood, my reflection in the mirror looked eerily pale.

I curled up in a dark corner and hugged myself tightly.

At the very end of my end, I came to one realization: I did not have a home.

CHAPTER-NAME: Chapter 3

I was also a part of the family, but at some point in time, I was considered an outsider.

When we were children, Lydia accidentally fell into a pool and hurt herself, but Garcia Marsh, my mother, blamed me for it.

She asked me why I did not save Lydia and thought that I was a conniving person. She accused me of being jealous of Lydia and wanting to hurt her.

Hence, to protect Lydia, the entire family decided to send me to a boarding school, and I could only return home once a year.

They did it in the name of discipline.

I was trapped in the boarding school for eight years, but Lydia stayed with the family.

Every time Lydia celebrated her birthday, the family organized a fireworks show that spelled her name in the air.

And on my own birthday, I would stand on the roof of the tallest building in the school and stare at the beautiful fireworks before looking down.

Sometimes, I wondered whether they would remember me after I died.

But whenever I had the urge to do it, I would remember my mother and brothers.

I would then think that they would perhaps come to pick me up the next day because they had misunderstood me.

As long as I explained myself, they would come to love me again.

After all, I was also part of the family.

I had imagined meeting them again countless times, but even until the boarding school shut down, they did not come to see me.

I was brought back to the family after the school shut down.

Then, I hid the injuries I sustained from school and pretended to be a sensible child to get into the good graces of the family, only for them to think that I had some sort of ulterior motives.

Once, Lydia was hospitalized due to food poisoning, but they thought that I was competing for the family’s love with Lydia and made her eat unhygienic food.

Enraged, Aaron locked me up in the basement.

No matter how I cried and explained myself, no one listened to me.

They waited in the hospital for Lydia to be discharged, and only after they brought her back did they remember that I was locked in the basement.

By then, I had not eaten for three days and was almost dead.

After I was brought back from school, I became weaker.

Sometimes, I would wake up in the middle of the night because my stomach hurt too much.

I tried going to my mother for help, but they only said that I was being stubborn and refused to change their ways.

So, I left the house, and even to this point of time, I still remembered what they said to me.

“Could you stop? Are you trying to put on a pitiful act again?”

“Sorry, but no one’s going to believe you.”

“If you want to die that badly, do it far away. None of us wants to collect your body!”

So, this time, I was really going to die and would stop being an eyesore to them. That was good too.

It was not as if I needed them as family.

I stared at the blood flowing out of my wrists and felt that it was going too slowly.

I climbed to the roof and stood at the edge.

As I stared at the tall buildings, I remembered how I was bullied by my classmates while I was in boarding school.

Whenever I had the urge to die, I would come to the roof of the school, but I never had the courage to jump.

I had been afraid of dying.

As long as a person could live, why would they want to die?

But I no longer had any need to fear.

My days were numbered, anyway, so I might as well just die.

It was just a pity that no one would come and collect my corpse.

I just wondered whether a person who was not given a proper burial would be able to rest in peace.

I sucked in a deep breath and shut my eyes.

Just when I was about to climb over, my phone rang from my handbag.

I opened my eyes and answered it.

“Hello?”

On the other end of the phone, the undertaker sighed in relief when he heard my voice.

“Where are you? I’m lost.”

I said nothing.

The wind at the balcony blew loudly.

My silence seemed to have clued the undertaker in on something because his voice quivered when he spoke again. “Hey, listen. I was in a hurry just now, so I didn’t grab anything to help give you a proper burial. I can’t come to collect your body.”

The wind was really strong, and no one was in sight.

But for some reason, when someone spoke to me in such a quiet environment, I felt a sense of security.

Because it had been a long time since anyone spoke to me this way.

But I did not want to trouble him any further.

I said, “You don’t have to come collect my body anymore.”

CHAPTER-NAME: Chapter 4

All I needed to do was jump down from here. The police would find my body tomorrow.

The only pity would be that my body would be mangled.

But that was still better than me having to suffer through life.

Still, the undertaker panicked after hearing what I said, and his voice quivered even more, “Maria, old people say that if you’re not given a proper burial, you won’t be able to rest in peace, remember? Do you really want to suffer even after death?”

Being unable to rest in peace was not as scary as living, honestly.

“Are you listening?”

I snapped out of my thoughts and sat on the parapet. Cheekily, I decided to scare him a little. “You’re delaying my plans to die.”

The undertaker was silent for a moment.

Then, I heard him running even more hurriedly before I heard a loud shout.

“I never owe anyone anything! Since I took your money, I’m going to be responsible for giving you a proper burial! I don’t want to owe a ghost a favor!”

Just as I was wondering why he sounded like he was so close by, I turned around and saw a man in an ironed white shirt standing at the door to the roof. His hair was a mess, and his face was covered in a thin sheen of sweat.

He had his hands placed on his hips as he stared at me. Then, he reached out to me.

“Please, come back. No matter what you want to do, I’ll do it with you.”

I sat on the parapet quietly.

His voice was still coming through my phone, as if it served as a reminder to me that there was still someone in the world who cared about me.

“Maria, you’re not as horrible as you think you are.” I thought, and for some reason I could not quite understand myself, I reached out.

In the next second, the undertaker grabbed me and pulled me down. Both of us fell on the roof.

My head rammed against his chest, and I heard him grunt.

Feeling apologetic, I wanted to say something, but he laughed.

“Thank goodness…”

He arrived on time.

Both of us lay on the roof while exhausted.

Liam Xavier, the undertaker, brushed against the blood on my wrists, and he stilled.

But he was not disgusted by it. He just helped me bandage it.

“I’ll bring you to the hospital.”

I told him there was no need for that. I had no more money left.

My family had already frozen my bank account, and I spent the rest of my money to hire him.

Liam patted my head and said gently, “You don’t need to spend a single cent.”

He was worried that I was still suicidal, so while on our way down, he held my hand tightly.

I asked, “Does this mean you’ll collect my body?”

Liam froze but did not turn his head around.

Still, I heard him say, “I will, but I won’t collect the body of a living person, so please… do your best to live on.”

In the end, I still went to the hospital with Liam.

There was no other reason for it, really. It was simply because he was the only one who reached out to me when everyone else wanted me dead.

He did not want me to die.

I was actually quite a subtle person. I would remember all those who treated me kindly forever.

And since Liam was so kind, I did not quite want to die anymore.

When we arrived at the hospital, it was much quieter and not as crowded as it usually was during the day.

Liam asked me to sit down and wait for him, so I did.

After some time, I heard a familiar voice behind me.

“Maria?”

At some point in time, Aaron had shown up behind me. He walked over with a stern face and in his long, white coat.

“It really is you. Did you delete the group chat? Do you have any idea how worried Lydia is? She heard about what you were planning to do and won’t even celebrate her birthday anymore. She just wants to find you.

“But to think you were hiding here… Is it because you think threatening suicide doesn’t work anymore?

“Or are you trying to cause trouble during your own sister’s birthday so that we will give you our attention?”

CHAPTER-NAME: Chapter 5

Aaron frowned. Whenever he talked to me, he always looked impatient.

“Lydia is kind and will always choose to forgive you, but I’m not the same. You should remember how I punished you in the past. If you come back with me to apologize now, I can still forgive you.”

How could I possibly forget?

Aaron never treated me as his sister.

Otherwise, he would not have locked me up in the basement and forgotten about me when Lydia had food poisoning.

That horrible feeling of near-death filled every part of my body again, and I trembled.

Cold sweat broke out on my skin.

I could not hold back the wave of nausea that crashed into me, and I put a hand against the wall as I gagged.

As Aaron watched me, disgust flashed in his eyes, as if he just saw something dirty.

He let go of my hand.

“Looks like the punishment last time isn’t enough to teach you a lesson. Stop pretending not to have heard me. You’re coming home with me now and celebrating Lydia’s birthday. Then, I won’t hold you accountable for what you’ve done.”

Not hold me accountable for what I had done? But what exactly did I do wrong?

Why should I go through these things?

Was it fair to me?

I teared up, but I was stubborn. I did not want to cry.

“Then, do you remember that it’s my birthday today too? Have you ever celebrated my birthday?”

I leaned against the wall, and I swayed because I was feeling so weak.

My eyes burned with indignation. In the past, I always thought that the world was unfair.

Both Lydia and I belonged to that family, but she was the one who got all the love, while I was the one locked up in the boarding school.

I had to endure all the bullying from those crazy people time and again.

In the past, I thought that I did something wrong and apologized to my family, because I thought that if I did, they would forgive me, but they did not.

Then, I realized that certain things just did not belong to me.

And if I tried to seize things that did not belong to me, my life would just become hell on earth.

So, I became scared and did not want to take any more risks.

I just wanted to stay far away from them.

Why was that not possible either?

I saw Aaron’s expression turn dark, and I smiled mockingly.

“You don’t remember, do you? Because you’re only a brother to Lydia. You’re not my brother! My brother died on the day he abandoned me!”

Aaron wanted to say something, but when the words reached the tip of his tongue, he could not say it. In the end, he could only say these things in frustration, “You brought all of that on yourself. We wanted to dote on you when you came back, but you kept causing trouble and wanted to fight for affection against Lydia. Why are you feeling sad?”

I watched him say these things in a self-righteous manner, and I suddenly felt helpless.

In the end, I just stood there numbly and quietly.

My sudden silence made Aaron panic.

“So, I should just die.”

He grabbed my hand and ordered, “Come back home with me right now! I’ll have someone make it up for the birthdays you missed.”

Oh, he was going to celebrate my birthday?

I did not care for it anymore.

At some point in time, Liam was already standing behind us.

When he looked at Aaron, his eyes were cold.

“Don’t need to. Have those people celebrate your birthday instead.”

Liam held my hand carefully with a number in his other hand. He bowed his head to look me in the eye. “Come, I’ll bring you over for your checkup.”

His voice was gentle. When he looked at me, his expression was full of kindness.

I dipped my head to stare at our clasped hands, and I felt my nose burn. I nodded.

“Okay. I’ll do everything you’ve asked.”

CHAPTER-NAME: Chapter 6

Liam made me take a full body check-up. He then asked the doctor quietly, “How is she?”

The doctor sighed and looked at me.

“I’m sorry, but her cancer cells are spreading really quickly, and she didn’t get treated during the early stages either, so the situation isn’t looking good for her.

“If we give her conservative treatment, she’ll have at most a year.”

I had another year?

I thought I had less than two months.

I smiled. It was genuine this time.

“It’s fine. One year is really good for me.”

When we left the hospital, Liam stayed silent and did not say anything, but he held my hand really tightly.

I knew that he was angry at me for giving up on staying in the hospital for treatment.

But I did not want to stay in the hospital and be forced to breathe in the smell of disinfectant before I died. That was why I rejected the doctor’s suggestion.

I held his hand and flashed him a smile. “Won’t you talk to me, Liam?”

Liam turned around under the streetlamp, and I saw that his eyes were a little red.

He scoffed, “Don’t go thinking that you won’t have to go through treatment just because you’re not hospitalized. I’m going to make sure that you go to the hospital every day from now on.”

I pouted. “I don’t want to go…”

Liam flicked my forehead.

“When you’re sick, you take medicine. That’s the natural order of things. Also, I saved your life, so you have to listen to me, understand?”

But at the moment I thought about how I would end up like the other cancer patients if I started receiving treatment, I was quite scared. I did not want to lose all my hair, become as thin as bones, and be bedridden.

While we were walking down the street, I asked, “Liam, do you undertakers really make sure we look as nice as possible when we die? I don’t want to lose my hair and die looking ugly.”

Liam did not answer me, but he took my medicine bag from me and held my hand as he walked ahead of me.

A long time passed. Just when I thought he would not say anything, I heard him whisper, “You won’t look ugly.”

I did not hear him clearly, so I asked, “What did you say?”

Liam sighed.

When he spoke again, his voice was like a spring breeze that blew straight into my heart.

“Even if I don’t put any makeup on you, you still look lovely.”

…The night breeze must have been tickling my heart.

When I finally registered what he was saying, I found that my face was burning.

I ducked my head instinctively.

“Liam… you’re really good at comforting me.”

That night, Liam brought me back to his house.

When we got to his house, I was already really tired, so I curled up on his sofa.

After some time, my phone rang.

I answered it instinctively.

It was a call from Jake. “Where the hell are you?”

I was not expecting Jake to give me a video call.

He had a good relationship with Lydia, which was also why he always hated me.

“Don’t you know that Lydia rushed back after hearing about you? Are you playing hide-and-seek with us now?”

So, they still remembered me?

But that was meaningless.

If I went back, I was just going to be an emotional punching bag again and had to do things according to their moods.

I would even be bullied.

I had nothing to look forward to in that house.

I put a hand over my hurting stomach and said, “I’m not going back.”

In any case, I was going to die.

Why should I go back, then?

My mother was sitting by the dining table and grabbed Jake’s phone.

The moment she opened her mouth, she started yelling at me, “If you’re done causing trouble, come back! No one’s going to bend over backward every day for you! Can’t you be like Lydia?!

“Seriously, why did I give birth to you?! If I had known you would be like this, I wouldn’t have given birth to you at all!”

Honestly, I was prepared to hear something like this a long time ago, but when I really, truly heard it, I still found that it hurt.

My hands trembled, and I gave myself a mocking smile. “If you say so. And don’t worry, I’ll die far away and won’t dirty your house.”

My mother was so angry that her expression changed, and she swept all of the glasses on the table down on the floor.

“Get back here! Or else, I’ll disown you!”

I was used to my mother’s overbearing attitude. So, when I heard this, I suddenly found that I did not feel as sad as I usually would.

All the things that always bothered me finally disappeared.

I smiled.

“Alright. In any case, I don’t want to be a family with you anymore either.”